Natasha Shah
Masters in anthropology from Quaid e Azam University Islamabad, Masters in Public Administration from Virginia Tech, USA, Regional pay and benefits manager for the foreign and commonwealth office (British embassy) in Washington DC, Worked with multiple nonprofits organizations and companies in Pakistan and US.
This is the profile of Natasha Shah but despite this tremendous profile of educational and professional excellence, she is often tormented by society with this one mandatory question; WHEN IS SHE GETTING MARRIED?
She answered the infamous question in an inspiring interview with The Blind Side, give it a read, she is truly the epitome of individualism, independence, strength, and success.
How often do people ask you about getting married?
Very often! This question is usually triggered by our culture where we set age limits to do anything in life. 30 is the stereotyped age before which a girl is supposed to get married. Beyond that ‘right age’, as apparently, it starts getting harder for a woman to get married, it becomes the primary concern of the family and even the society that when is she going to tie the knot as if that is the key goal of life.
Usually, our parents get succumbed to societal pressure and want their kids to live up to the standards of the society they live in. consequently, parents end up transferring their insecurities and pressures to children, did you also go through that?
Of-course, yes! Although parents feel genuinely concerned about their child’s life majorly, their insecurities are triggered by society. As a girl, we are supposed to make our life choices keeping in mind what society would approve of and what it won’t. Given that, it was really hard for me to convince my family when I wanted to move back to the USA where I was born. My mother always refused the idea by dreading society’s remarks about sending a young girl alone to a foreign country. But then my brother came out as a huge support for me. He encouraged me to apply for my master’s at a university in the USA and I completed all the procedures without informing my mother. Ultimately, when I got admission, I told my mother. She was really worried at first, but eventually, she let me go with all of her backings.
What is the most insensitive remark ever that you heard from people because of your unconventional life choices?
Being a girl you have to hear a lot of insensitive and hurtful remarks from society no matter how successful you are, whatever you may achieve. I have heard people saying that now that you are 36, you are not going to find a life partner, and if you will, only aged people in their 50’s 60’s (mostly widower) would be available for you and that I should settle down for them.
How great have your friends been a support for you especially the married ones? Did they ever pressurize you to get married?
Well honestly, my married friends encourage me more to stay single as per their marriage experiences. They told me about the hardships they have to face in their marital life and they suggest me to stay single and enjoy my life as much as I can. But of course, some of them try to convince me to follow the clock of society. Also, sometimes you feel being left out and irrelevant when all your friends are married and they have a lot to talk about their children, their marital experiences and you have nothing to share in that regard.
Don’t you think the time brackets that we believe on to do everything in life are constructed by the society itself and aren’t actually the universal ones that everyone is obliged to follow blindly? And also why do you think even educated people remain very cautious and controlling towards their daughter’s life choices?
Yes, you are right, in our society; women are subjected to oppression by being held at home. Interestingly, the fear behind this oppression and deprivation of women from their basic right of education and professional career is men, and instead of educating men to behave, we tell our girls to stay at home. About the time bracket, we have an example in our religious history how Hazrat Khadija RA, aged 40, defied the limitations of age and even gender role and proposed Prophet Muhammad PBUH who was 15 years younger than her. But think about some women doing the same in this era in Pakistan, our society would take a minute to create a fuss about it.
Is your brother supportive of your decision to not getting married? And if he will get married someday, are you ready to bear with relative’s inquisitiveness about your own plans of getting married?
My brother is very supportive of whatever decision I make. My mother has given us a brought-up that is not gender-specific. She has a better perspective about life but sometimes she gets succumbed to the pressures of society. My brother will get married next year, and I am mentally preparing myself to listen to people’s typical toxic remarks, for example, they would ask me that when I am planning to get married and that they will pray for my marriage. I believe that if you have decided to stand out, you have to be mentally prepared to avoid the toxicity of society that just loves to poke its nose in other’s life affairs. Also, I feel immune to this because deep down I am pretty happy and satisfied about how I am enjoying my life. People need to understand that getting married is not a parameter to measure how successful or accomplished a person is. We see people suffering even after getting married; marriages sometimes fall apart as well. The notion that marriage makes a person complete, we need to abolish that and should aim to do something more meaningful. Marriage is a part of life, but we should never make it a center point around which our lives should revolve.
What qualities do you seek in your life partner?
Menoo bnday da puttar chye (at the least he should be a human). I don’t have that typical materialistic criterion to choose a life partner, because I am already established and financially independent. So what I seek in my life partner is that he should be respectful, civilized, and ambitious as well. If we want our daughters to make wise decisions regarding marriage instead of taking it as a capitalistic venture, we need to educate, groom, and make them financially self-sufficient, only then they would be able to make the right choice which will be based on compatibility, mutual respect, and love.
Has anyone broken your heart or approached you with an intention to form a relationship?
Yes, I have been engaged two times in my life. The last one was very controlling. And it was very difficult for me to convince people about this toxic instinct of his. But thankfully I was living in the USA at that time hence it became easy for me to end my engagement with that person, If I would have been living in Pakistan, most probably I might have succumbed to society’s pressures. That experience which involved verbal abuse and controlling behavior caused me severe trauma and I couldn’t agree to be in any relationship of that sort, I stopped looking for proposals, I just didn’t want to suffer from toxic experiences of any such kind again. If I don’t know what I want from my life, at least I know what I definitely don’t want from my life.
We tend to follow western culture in every aspect of life, but when it comes to break-ups, we become completely uncivilized, no respect is maintained, and below-the-belt remarks are vastly observed, what do you think of it?
We never learn anything good from western civilization and breakups are definitely something that we need to look up to western couples and learn how smoothly they do it. Divorce is seen as a taboo in Asian societies although our religion has also permitted you to get a divorce if you think your partner is not right for you. So instead of ruining your whole life because of toxic marriages, it is definitely better to drift apart yet treat each other politely as well. We see western couples divorcing each other but still maintaining a healthy relationship as friends because of their children. We really need to learn this mannerism from them.
What do you look forward to in life in the coming 5 years?
Well, I would definitely want to prosper in my Professional life, I work in the field of HR and I look forward to acquiring better positions and maximize my potentials. As a daughter/ wife/mother/sister, I want to be a better person. I want to be the person who is free of toxicity, who would never create hurdles for anyone around her. I would like to work on myself more in the coming five years. Also, I would probably get married and have children and I will prioritize adopting children as it is encouraged in our religion as well.
Watch her complete interview here.
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